A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure to interview Karen C., a widow for a little under a year. As we talked, it was obvious she’s still struggling, not knowing how to pick up the pieces. Choosing to self-isolate, Karen and I talked about how difficult it is to get back in the swing. Here’s a snippet of our conversation . . .

PT: I think every widow who’s going to read this recalls how difficult the first year of being alone really is, so how are you managing your new reality?

KC: Well, I think one of the hardest things was I didn’t have time to say goodbye or prepare for my husband’s death—he was killed in a car accident. So I was thrust into a world I never considered, and I had to rely on friends and family for help. But, after the initial shock, they went back to their regular lives—and, I found that really hard. I still do . . .

PT: I hear the same thing in widows I talk to as I travel—but, we can’t blame people for what’s going on with their lives. How are you handling it?

KC: Honestly? Not great. I find myself self-isolating—which is weird because it’s counterintuitive to my issue. I mean, why would I start choosing not to go out, when being alone all the time is what I can’t handle?

PT: Have you considered grief therapy?

KC: Yes, but I’m on the fence about it. I think things will be better as time goes on.

PT: You’re right—it’s been 2/12 years since my husband passed, and only now am I beginning to feel content with being alone in my own house. So, I’m not going to tell you it’s a quick process—but, maybe you were guided to find my WidowHoodSisterHood website. I’m confident our sisterhood offers strength for each other!

KC: You might be right!

PT: Is being alone what you fear the most?

KC: I think so—but, I also think about my children. They’re grown, but I know it hurts them when I want to talk about moving on—I get it. They have an . . . allegiance . . . to their father, and I don’t think they’d even think about accepting someone else.

PT: How old are they?

KC: Both are in their twenties.

PT: Honestly? I don’t think age matters much when it comes to losing a parent. Have you asked them about how they feel about your accepting someone new into your life?

KC: No—I just stay home, so it never really comes up.

PT: I understand. Do you want to go out? There’s a difference between wanting, not wanting, and the inability to do something . . . do. you really, truly want to go out, but can’t make yourself? Or, do you choose to stay in your home?

KC: That’s a good question—I think I choose to stay home because I don’t want to feel like the add man out—you know, the only widow in the group.

PT: Do you accept the label ‘widow?’

KC: Well, yeah—I mean, that’s what I am. Should I not admit to being a widow?

PT: Not at all, but you may want to think about this—with the word ‘widow’ comes expectations. Grief. Sorrow. Depression. Those are things you may or may not feel, but they do attach to the word ‘widow.’ It signals something is over . . .”

KC: Well, isn’t it?”

PT: That depends on you—but, instead of letting people know you’re a widow, maybe it’s more productive to simply be you. Self-isolating and the inability to deal with life’s challenges are choices you make because of your discomfort when it comes to allowing friends and family witness your pain.

KC: I don’t want them to think it’s a drag to be around me.

PT: Are you talking about your husband all the time? Do you monopolize the conversation with stores about your husband, or how difficult life is without him?

KC: Well . . . maybe.

PT: Then, I suggest you take a different approach, such as not mentioning your husband, grief, or anything depressing—I think you’ll see your friends and family will respond to a healthier. you by engaging with you more. Remember—people get together to have fun. So, if you’re invited somewhere, keep that in mind. It’s to have fun! Give yourself permission to enjoy your life, and I think you’ll see things turn around quickly. When you do, let me know how your life has changed, okay?

KC: I promise!